Redswim – The Unicorn Files

A short film script that’s based on the concept of  CSI: Unicorns. What more do you need?

FADE IN:

MONTAGE:

Quick cuts while thundering music plays.

- A bus driving down a road

- A shot of a warning sign showing a unicorn killing someone

- a shot of several police officers standing around a chalk outline

- A slower shot on the outside of a diner with a sign over the entrance that says “Danger: Unicorns”

END MONTAGE.

CUT TO:

INt. Diner – nigHT

A young woman, SCARLET (19), sits in a booth sucking on a milk shake, staring into space. Lasts a beat before a WAITER (28), dressed all in black and white, comes up to her, towel on one arm.

Waiter

Excuse me ma’am?

Scarlet looks up.

Scarlet

Yeah?

WAITER

It seems there’s a young… individual in the bathroom who wishes to meet your acquaintance.

SCARLET

Sure! Sounds spiffy! I just hope it’s not a unicorn… waiting to horn me.

CUT TO:

Title card

Title

OFFICER REDSWIM – THE UNICORN FILES.

CUT TO:

Int. diner – murder scene – day

Detective JOSHUA REDSWIM (37) squats, removing his sunglasses to look at the dead face of Scarlet. He peers at it for a second, until:

HANnELORE (O.S.)

What do you think, Redswim? This our division or what?

Joshua stands up and looks down at the body. Now we can see the scene. Inside the diner’s bathroom, her body is lying in the middle of the room, with yellow police tape surrounding the scene. Lots of blood. Hoof prints cover the floor. HANNELORE (22) stands with a note-pad at the ready. She seems a bit of a keener. Blonde, and perky.

Joshua

I’m not sure. We have to an autopsy first. But… I’m not sure.

HANNELORE

But Josh, you’re usually always sure.

JOSHUA

Don’t call me Josh. She did. Before she died. Died tragically. So very, very tragically.

He stares into space, then shakes his head sadly and puts his glasses in his pocket.

HANNELORE

I’m sorry sir.

JoSHUA

It’s okay. Lets get this girl to Morton.

He stares at the dead body and nods solemnly.

JOSHUA (CONT’D)

It’s going to be a long day.

Music builds, and then

Cuts to:

INT. Autopsy room – day

MORTON (49), the autopsy doctor is starring at the body which rests on the slab with a sheet over her. There’s a large hole in her stomach, and several abrasions. Joshua stands behind him, his arms folded, sunglasses donned.

Morton

Well, she’s definitely dead.

Joshua

Hmm. That’s interesting. VERY interesting.

MORTON

Did you notice the hole? A long, thin object did that puncture. Hit her very hard.

JOSHUA

Interesting.

MORTON

And her hands…

Quick zoom on her hands, the underside of her palm has a large red hoof print.

MORTON (CONT’D)

It seems as if there’s some red rings. Maybe… some kind of defensive wound?

Joshua removes his sunglasses and stares dramatically at the girls hands.

Joshua

Maybe… Hoofprints?

MORTON

…maybe. Don’t jump to conclusions like you always do Joshua. You know what happened last time…

Joshua

(mumbling)

Damn horse was asking for it.

MORTON

No dice. What I’d suggest is… find more evidence.

Joshua nods, and puts his sunglasses back on.

CUTS TO:

INT. Diner – Crime scene – day

Joshua and Hannelore stand around, inspecting the crime scene. Where Scarlets body was before is now a chalk outline. The two officers chat while they poke around looking for clues.

After a few moments, Joshua stands from where he was crouched, removes his sunglasses dramatically, and holds up a splintered bit of bone. Hannelore turns to look.

HANNELORE

What’s that you got there, Joshua?

JosHUA

A bit of bone. There’s some blood on it. Seems like it was a part of the murder weapon that broke off in the assault.

Joshua points downwards at all the hoofprints on the floor.

JOSHUA (CONT’D)

And look here… I found some horse prints…

Hannelore mugs terror.

HannELORE

But… does this mean-

Joshua removes his sunglasses and stares off camera.

JOSHUA

Yes. We’ve got our suspect. And it’s a fucking Unicorn.

CUT TO:

INT. Police department hallway – day

Joshua and Morton walk and talk down the hallway.

JOSHUA

I told you Morton. I told you what my gut told me. And my gut is never wrong.

Morton

Well, you were right, I have to admit. But it never hurt to check, it could have been anything.

JOSHUA

You never did learn to trust your gut. Always relying on your ‘evidence’ and your ‘facts’.

MoRTON

Without facts and evidence, we’d never prove our case, Josh.

Joshua stops, and stares at Morton in disbelief

JOSHUA

Morton… you know…

MORTON

Yeah. I know. But how Joshua? How did you loving wife of fifteen years who you met in high school and fell in love on your first date tragically die?

Joshua removes his sunglasses and stares off into space.

Joshua

It… it was tragic. We were young lovers. Married for fifteen years, we had the world ahead of us. We had our whole lives… until… until that one fateful night. Until that one night which ended everything. Which ended our bliss, and ended our… everything.

Joshua takes a deep breath before continuing.

JOSHUA (CONT’D)

There was a unicorn in the park. We saw it, but we decided to be trusting. We decided to not rely on our guts. We ignored them. We got close to the Unicorn, we ignored the signs of danger, as well as our guts.

MORTON

Which you ignored.

JOSHUA

Right. Our guts, which we ignored. When we got close to the Unicorn, it got violent. It horned her. In the gut, which we didn’t trust. It horned her in the gut with its horn. She was killed almost instantly, just giving enough time to give a moving speech about how much she loved me. She died of horning. She died of horning of the gut, Morton. Her gut was horned, and… with that, she died. That’s how she tragically died, Morton. That’s how she tragically died by a horn in the gut. A Unicorn horn. In the gut.

Morton stands, aghast.

MORTON

So that’s why you always trust your gut. And that’s why you hate unicorns.

JOSHUA

Yes, Morton. Our guts told us the truth. And it was a unicorn which killed her, with its horn.

Morton

I see…

JOSHUA

With a horn, Morton. A fucking horn in the GUT. That’s why I hate ‘em, Morton. They’ve become a godamned menace. A godamned menace.

Morton

Well. Are you ready to interview the suspect?

Joshua puts his sunglasses back on.

JoSHUA

I was born ready. When that Unicorn-

Morton

Yeah, let’s go.

CUT TO:

INT. Hallway – day

Hannelore exits the interviewing room, and is startled when she sees Joshua leaning against a wall.

HannELORE

Well, it looks like you caught our unicorn. Good job, sir.

JOSHUA

I’m not at all sure, Hannelore. I’m not at all sure at all.

HANNELORE

But sir, this unicorn is most definitely the one who did the fatal horning. He’s missing the bit of horn on the tip, we found the victims blood on his horn. He’s our guy all right.

Joshua stares into space; removing his sunglasses.

JOSHUA

Perhaps… but still… something doesn’t seem right. Why did she get horned in a bathroom? Why was she in that bathroom, it doesn’t make… sense…

HANNELORE

(earnestly)

Is your gut saying something, sir?

JOSHUA

Yes. Yes it is.

Joshua nods and puts his sunglasses back on.

JOSHUA (CONT’D)

And now it’s time to pay a little visit to suspect number two.

Dramatic music builds.

CUT TO:

INT. DINER – dAY

The Waiter stands nervously as TWO POLICE OFFICERS stand menacingly nearby. Joshua and Hannelore are standing in front of the man. Hannelore behind Joshua, writing furiously in her notebook.

Joshua

So, Mr-so-called Waiter, tell me again what happened the night of the… incident.

Waiter

(nervous)

Well, I already told these officers here, but you see, the thing…

The Waiter takes a deep breath before continuing.

WAITER (CONT’D)

What I mean to say, sir, is that I was not on duty all yesterday night. You may check the owner of this establishments record, sir, and you can see that I tell no falsehoods.

Hannelore hands Joshua a page from her notebook.

JOSHUA

Funny that you say that Mr-if-that’s-your-real-name waiter-man, because according to these notes my assistant here made (indicates Hannelore), we have several witnesses who saw you in the diner talking to the victim of the gut-horning.

The Waiter feigns shock and outrage.

WAITER

Why, I never! I have never heard such a load of garbage in all my tenure in this fine establishment! Why would people go to such lengths to sully my fine name-

JoSHUA

Enough theatrics. We know you were here, my gut tells me. My gut, which is, in many ways, similar to the gut that was brutally horned by a vicious unicorn last night.

The Waiter sighs and throws up his hands.

WAITER

Fine. I was here last night, what of it.

Hannelore hands her notebook and pencil up to Joshua.

JOSHUA

Just one small thing, sir. May I have a sample of your handwriting?

The Waiter grunts and scribbles a few words onto the pad and hands it back to Joshua, who hands it back to Hannelore, who compares the sheet to another in her pocket. She nods and whispers something into Joshua’s ear.

Joshua (CONT’D)

Hmm. Interesting. It seems my gut wasn’t wrong.

He removes his sunglasses.

JOSHUA (CONT’D)

Which it NEVER is. Your handwriting is an exact match to a note found on the victim. A note asking if the victim would mind taking a stroll into the bathroom. A stroll that would cost her life.

The Two Officers behind the Waiter put their hands on his shoulders and start to cuff him.

WAITER

Fine. You’ve got me. You’ve got me good.

HannELORE

But WHY, Mr. Waiter? Why did you such a horrible thing to such an innocent young lady?

WAITER

Because, officer, the unicorns are a maligned people. They are not mindless killers as people think. They kill only those who would due them harm. They only horn those guts which would bring damage upon them. In short, Officer, They horn to prevent themselves being horned.

The Waiter is dragged away, Hannelore is shocked and appalled. Joshua is stoic.

WAITER (CONT’D)

The time will come officers! They time will come when no Unicorn will bow before man! Their day is due! Their day is due!

The Waiter is dragged off. He continues to SHOUT INDISTINCTLY from off screen. Hannelore walks up to Joshua and puts a kind hand on his shoulder.

JOSHUA

It’s not an easy work we do Hannelore. But it’s important work.

HannELORE

What’ll we do next, sir?

Joshua dons his sunglasses.

JOSHUA

What we always do. Clean up this town. One Unicorn, at a time.

Dramatic music builds as they walk out of the diner.

FADE OUT.

Advertisement