The Pitts

The first five pages of a screenplay about a man who went on a reality TV show to make him look like Brad Pitt. Now he’s tired of the comparisons and is trying to sue the show to get his life back. Absurdist comedy.

INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY
ETHAN CROSBY sits at a table, hunched over with a scarf over his face, a hood over his head, and a large pair of sunglasses obscuring his eyes.
He sits in a corner, deep in a shadow, nursing his tea, breathing on it to try and cool it down. It continues to steam despite his best efforts.
ETHAN CROSBY (V.O.)
I don’t go out much anymore. I try to avoid it, if possible.
He lowers his scarf, letting his bristly mustache and beard pop out from the scarf’s covering. He takes a pull from the tea, and puts it down.
ETHAN CROSBY (V.O.) (CONT’D)
It’s not worth the effort, really. They deliver groceries. I can order pretty much anythin’ I need off the net.
Ethan picks up the sugar pourer and dumps a spoonful or so of white crystal’s into his mug.
ETHAN CROSBY (V.O.) (CONT’D)
But my lawyer calls me up and wanted to meet at the coffee shop, so what could I do?
Ethan’s lawyer, SALLY TORRES (32, Central American with a slight Latin accent, brown hair in a tight bun, very business like)  sits down across from Ethan and takes out her briefcase.
SALLY
Hello, Ethan.
ETHAN CROSBY
(muffled by the scarf)
Good morning, Sally.
Sally unpacks her briefcase while Ethan takes another slurp of tea.
ETHAN CROSBY (V.O.) (CONT’D)
Sally’s the only lawyer I could get, what with not having a job anymore. She’s an old family friend. Doing this pro bono.
She grabs a stack of paper and tries to order them, but slips and sends papers flying across the room.
SALLY
Oh, darn it.
Sally runs after them, grabbing them roughly. Ethan sits, and scowls in his shadow.
After a few seconds, Sally manages to gather up all the papers. She sits back down and tries to put the crumpled documents in a neat pile. She COUGHS.
ETHAN CROSBY (V.O.)
If clumsiness were her only fault, I might not be so worried.
Sally COUGHS again, and adjusts her suit.
SALLY
So, anyway. How’ve you been?
ETHAN CROSBY
Oh, you know. Good as I could be, given the circumstance.
Sally nods.
Beat.
ETHAN CROSBY (CONT’D)
So, what’ve you got for me?
SALLY
Hmm?
ETHAN CROSBY
Why’d you get me to come out here?
SALLY
Oh. Right. Urr, just a sec.
Sally digs into her briefcase and pulls out a file. She passes it to Ethan, who opens it and peers in. He closes it and folds his hands on the table.
ETHAN CROSBY
Sally?
SALLY
Yes Ethan?
ETHAN CROSBY
This is the report I filled out two weeks ago.
SALLY
Yup! And I’m mailing it off tomorrow. And–
ETHAN CROSBY
Sally.
SALLY
And I was hoping you could go over it–
ETHAN CROSBY
SALLY.
SALLY
Yes?
ETHAN CROSBY
This was due last week.
SALLY
Was it?
Sally turns the file around and inspects it.
SALLY (CONT’D)
Huh. Whoops.
Ethan Drops his head on the table.
ETHAN CROSBY
They’re going to kill us.
Sally pats his back awkwardly.
SALLY
It’s okay Ethan, we’ll get your money. Your case is pretty solid as is.
Ethan MOANS.
SALLY (CONT’D)
Don’t be like that Ethan. Once you get the money from the settlement everything’ll be fine.
Ethan rises slowly.
ETHAN CROSBY
Fine?
SALLY
Yup! You won’t need to work and the fact that you–
ETHAN CROSBY
Fine? FINE? Sally–
Ethan rips off his scarf. Under his beard he looks EXACTLY like Brad Pitt.
ETHAN CROSBY (CONT’D)
I got plastic surgery so I look like fucking Brad fucking Pitt! Nothing will ever be fine again!
SALLY
Now Ethan, please, we’ll settle out of court and you’ll see. Your life’ll turn around for sure.
Ethan sighs and wraps his scarf around his face.
ETHAN CROSBY
…I should go.
Ethan stands up.
SALLY
Ethan? What about the–
ETHAN CROSBY
It’s fine. Send it off. Better late than not, I guess.
SALLY
Alright. Oh, Ethan?
Ethan stops.
ETHAN CROSBY
Yeah?
SALLY
Should I just bill this to your tab, or…
Ethan sags his shoulders, and heads for the exit.
The BARISTA hails him down. Ethan stops and turns.
ETHAN CROSBY
Hmm?
BARISTA
Hey, are you Brad Pitt?
ETHAN CROSBY
…no.
BARISTA
Wow, cause you look EXACTLY like him!
ETHAN CROSBY
I know.
Ethan heads for the exit.
ETHAN CROSBY (CONT’D)
I know.
Ethan pushes the doors open, letting in the blinding sunlight.
FADE TO WHITE.
TITLE OVER
THE PITTS

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